10 Things Your Dog Doesn’t Need

I took a trip to our local pet superstore with a friend last week as he wanted to get a tick remover for one of his dogs (awful ticks!), as we wandered around looking for said items needed and resisting the urge to buy more animals we found some god awful items for pets – the worst offenders being dog items.

Dog Dress

I have a dog. I love my dog more than anything but he’s a dog and there are many things he simple does not need. Let’s have a look at some of them.

Please feel free to click on the links for examples of the offending items.

  1. Fashion Clothes – I say fashion because some dogs need a coat in winter, a practical dog coat that is – in more extreme conditions and winter hiking one can even stretch to a dog needed a good wear of boots for those paws. Never under any circumstances does a dog need a hat, tutu, dress, tux, pjs, anything knitted or crotched. That is what children are for. If you want a baby, have a baby. If you want a dog, get a dog. For crying out loud people know the difference. You wouldn’t get your child neutered or spayed now would you? Or teach them to go outside to take a dump? If you do, I suggest you see someone about that.
  2. Dog Beer – Your dog really does love you, and really doesn’t mind sitting next to you whilst you drink your beer and chill out – your dog does not need it’s own beer. It’s perfectly happy to bond with you without doggy beer. Give your dog a dog treat, it will be much happier.
  3. Brightening Eye Drops – I don’t care if you have a show dog, a stud or bitch for breeding. Do you like eye drops? No. So don’t inflict them upon your dog unless it’s for medical treatment.
  4. Stroller/Pushchair/Pram – You’ve got to be kidding me right? Dogs do not need a stroller, they’re not meant to even be carried around nevermind pushed around like a baby/toddler. Dog like “walkies” not “pushies” or “carryies” (that last one sounded better in my head), believe it or not, those 4 things they have are legs and they walk on them. No really. It’s true.
  5. Nail File^see above^ If you walk your dog on concrete their nails wear down naturally. I know, I’m a genius… oh wait, nature is a genius! Who knew?
  6. Nail Polish/Varnish – Don’t want it and don’t need it. Dogs want to scratch, dig, get muddy not wait around for their owner to put nail polish on their highly evolved digging nails and they really don’t want to wait for it to dry.
  7. HotDoll(click for picture) Your dog does not need a sex toy. See any wild animals with sex toys? No. If he or she is humping your leg like crazy, then give them more exercise. If that fails, get them neutered or spayed (it has a lot of health benefits too). If even that fails – I suggest you change that cheap nasty cologne/perfume you’ve been wearing before you attracted something less attractive than your own dog.
  8. Neuticles“Testicular prosthetic implants for neutered pets.” Does your dog look sad when licking his invisible testicles that were once there? No. Nor does he feel less of a dog. You think he’s going wake up from an implant operation give these a good old squeeze and think “oh yes they feel just like my real ones”. No. And if you are going to do that – you need help. A lot of professional help.
  9. Colognes/Perfume – Everyone knows that having a dog means your house will smell of dog a little or a lot. It’s all part of having a dog. Go ahead, spray that air fresher but dog perfume? Dog cologne? If you don’t like the smell of dog, don’t get a dog! Get one of those new fangled air fresher that looks like a rock. Pet rock, smells nice. Problem solved.
  10. Dog Translator – Apart from being incredibly inaccurate, which will cause all kinds of communication problems with your dog. Your dog doesn’t need it and neither do you. Spend enough time with your dog and you’ll know what he or she wants by their bark and their body language.

These are my opinions, and well… if you disagree I’m sure your dog hates you.

So do you dress your dog up? If you had a dog would you dress it up?

2 thoughts on “10 Things Your Dog Doesn’t Need

  1. The only one I would theoretically disagree with is the doggy beer – but that’s only in certain situations. I had friends who had a Rottie. He was terrified of fireworks. Naturally around certain holidays (read 4 July and New Years) he would start destroying the house out of fear. They couldn’t afford doggie tranquillisers, but discovered that some beer settled him right down.

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