Literally, I’m losing the will to love (romantic love that is), or should that be I’ve forgotten how. Or maybe it doesn’t even exist any more, maybe it never did.
I suppose deep down, I’ve always been a fairy tale love sort of girl. Not that I expect to be marrying a prince or sleeping for 100 years – but I want that unconditional, unwavering, never ending, all trusting, all being love. Where I don’t have to worry about anything, there is complete trust because we both know we’re meant for each other, we’re in love and it will never end. We have a special bond, one that nothing and no-one could ever break.
Am I making you sick yet?
I know what you’re thinking I’m striving for perfection, and the thing is I know that’s not realistic – so no, I’m not striving for absolute perfection – no-one is perfect. Everyone has bad habits, will say something bad every now and again, but trust, love and forever aren’t things I’m willing to compromise on. At least not any more.
I’ve had a few boyfriends in my life – not too many for a 25 year old, I’ve been engaged twice even. I have to say of the 5 relationships, 1 was a disaster, 1 didn’t work out, 2 were cheaters and liars (one of those messed me up really bad) and 1 – only one, treated me right… but alas, never spent any time with me.
So without going into any gory, boring details that frankly I don’t really want to drag up. I’m tired and after giving 100% to these relationships and not getting it back. I’m sat here admitting to myself that actually maybe love, in the way I see it should be really doesn’t exist.
That is one really sobering thought right there and in all honesty I could just crumble right now, cry and wonder why the hell I have this idea about love if it doesn’t exist.
I’ve experienced small parts of it before in relationships but it’s not been all there.
However not only that, I feel damaged – I’m not convinced at all I’m able to feel that way about anyone any more. My passion for love as almost died a slow painful death, leaving me wondering – what now? Do I reside myself to a genuinely nice guy – who treats me right but we really don’t have that connection I spoke of above. Just appreciating him bringing me chocolate, or making me a drink, doing some housework. Is that all there is after all?
If so, I think my heart will slowly die and I’ll become a robot on the human reproduction line. Dramatic maybe, but it’s honestly how I feel.