Losing The Will To Love

Literally, I’m losing the will to love (romantic love that is), or should that be I’ve forgotten how. Or maybe it doesn’t even exist any more, maybe it never did.

Heart
Source: weheartit.com

I suppose deep down, I’ve always been a fairy tale love sort of girl. Not that I expect to be marrying a prince or sleeping for 100 years – but I want that unconditional, unwavering, never ending, all trusting, all being love. Where I don’t have to worry about anything, there is complete trust because we both know we’re meant for each other, we’re in love and it will never end. We have a special bond, one that nothing and no-one could ever break.

Am I making you sick yet?

I know what you’re thinking I’m striving for perfection, and the thing is I know that’s not realistic – so no, I’m not striving for absolute perfection – no-one is perfect. Everyone has bad habits, will say something bad every now and again, but trust, love and forever aren’t things I’m willing to compromise on. At least not any more.

I’ve had a few boyfriends in my life – not too many for a 25 year old, I’ve been engaged twice even. I have to say of the 5 relationships, 1 was a disaster, 1 didn’t work out, 2 were cheaters and liars (one of those messed me up really bad) and 1 – only one, treated me right… but alas, never spent any time with me.
So without going into any gory, boring details that frankly I don’t really want to drag up. I’m tired and after giving 100% to these relationships and not getting it back. I’m sat here admitting to myself that actually maybe love, in the way I see it should be really doesn’t exist.

That is one really sobering thought right there and in all honesty I could just crumble right now, cry and wonder why the hell I have this idea about love if it doesn’t exist.
I’ve experienced small parts of it before in relationships but it’s not been all there.

However not only that, I feel damaged – I’m not convinced at all I’m able to feel that way about anyone any more. My passion for love as almost died a slow painful death, leaving me wondering – what now? Do I reside myself to a genuinely nice guy – who treats me right but we really don’t have that connection I spoke of above. Just appreciating him bringing me chocolate, or making me a drink, doing some housework. Is that all there is after all?

If so, I think my heart will slowly die and I’ll become a robot on the human reproduction line. Dramatic maybe, but it’s honestly how I feel.

12 thoughts on “Losing The Will To Love

  1. I believe that one special connection is there. You just haven’t found it yet! Don’t give up yet! I haven’t! and I definitely won’t settle for less. It’s the reason why I broke up with my last boyfriend. He was an all-round nice guy, but just that: nice. I need more than nice to keep me going.

    1. Yup, definitely how I feel right now. I’m just frustrated at how long it’s taking to find him, and how yes some are like the guy I want at first but then they just can’t be bothered anymore.

  2. And that’s why they say you have to be happy with yourself first, cuz then, you don’t “care” about love that much anymore and then before you know it, someone comes into your life. But you are obviously not happy with yourself, so you should work on that first, and don’t expect it to be done in like a year, you have to work on it for the rest of your life. And stop blaming your exes for messing you up, it happened, it can’t be turned back anymore, you just have to learn to live with all the consequences. Being angry or bitter doesn’t help anyone, only makes things harder for yourself.

    1. In all honesty Kim, I’m mostly happy with myself. I need to lose some weight and of course I have those times when depression gets to me – but that’s depression for you.
      I’ve never been one to go out looking for a guy either (maybe that’s part of the problem? lol), I’d rather just sit back and let life bring us together naturally.
      And hey, I will blame my exs, it’s their fault but that doesn’t mean I can’t move on from it. Mostly it’s the trust, trust is hard to get back with the person that broke it – but it also removes big chunks of your trust in people in general – and that’s what makes it hard.
      I’m done with angry and bitter – there is a time and a place for that, everyone has to be angry about bad things that happen to them at some point it’s part of the healing – realising that yes, you were done wrong and it wasn’t your fault. Having been down trodden before and told it was all my fault – I’m glad I can feel angry, and know it’s not my fault. But I’m not going to let that anger run my life.

      1. Well it mostly sounded to me like you where angry and bitter and sick of fighting. All I mean to really say is, never stop fighting for yourself, cuz you’re worth it. And the more you know that, the easier it will get!

  3. I fewlt the same as you Alison before I met Neil. I’d had too many disasters and have resigned myself to the fact that I was going to be single. Then Neil turned up and it all changed. You never do know what’s around the corner.
    No relationship is perfect, if it was there would be no passion, no fire and no making up afterwards!
    You’ve just been really unlucky with the blokes you’ve been with that’s all 🙂

  4. I see everyone pretty much said what I was going to say… but I particularly like THIS that Kim said: “…be happy with yourself first, cuz then, you don’t ‘care’ about love that much anymore”. This is like my motto!

    But really… I think you just need something seriously good & BIG to happen to you. Something that does not involve love/relationships/boys. Then you’ll be so focused on that that you won’t even think about love/relationships/boys. Well… at least not MOST of the time…

    1. I can fill my time – being single doesn’t actually bother me, but I do have that dream that I want at some point.
      I think I’m feeling it more cus of the break up right now.

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